Sunday, November 16, 2008

sometimes you have it all figured it out

I don't know if you know this, but, I am on a journey --- emotionally and everything else in between. And for some reason, right now, right here, I have time.

Time to?
Figure it all out.
Not saying that I will.
Figure it all out.
Just saying, that I have time.

You know that feeling of anticipation right before you take some days off? The feeling that you are going to accomplish everything you have been putting off. Been putting off for days, weeks, months...maybe even years.

So that feeling.
Do you have it?
Can you feel it?
Well, that is what I feel ALL THE TIME.

In this historic time of economic crisis and HOPE I don't have a job. I am unemployed on my own accord.

I walked away from my job jaded but oh so blissfully happy. I know that for most people my circumstances, of not going to work everyday, is strange, but you know what? I don't regret a thing.

Because I know that deep down every time I stood up slightly for what I believe lead me to the time that made me stand even taller to be able to walk away.

From a pay check.
From health insurance.
From a 401K.

Don't worry I still have a TIA-CREF account with my name on it.

Okay, so that feeling that I can do all the things I have wanted to do because I have time? Yeah, well, it is not as easy as it sounds.

It is hard. To not have, well, anything really to do.

I have days where my biggest accomplishment is going to get milk.

No judgement.

Don't get me wrong. I know that going to get milk is NOT THAT HARD. I know that, of course I know that!

I'm on an emotional journey, remember?

Okay, so this weekend I started to get that feeling that anything is possible. That I CAN accomplish anything. You can't force the feeling. It just happens. And this time I can pin point the exact moment of when it happened.

Jake and I decide that we were going to clean the house. Deep clean the house. I sent Jake to Target to get baking soda and vinegar because we were out. You know, those are two essential ingredients used to environmentally clean your house. Anyway, he came back with both, but also a few other things (which always happens). Jake had bought a bottle of J. R. Watkins Tub and Tile Cleanser, a natural home cleaning product. A stranger recommended it when he was in aisle 8 in Target looking for baking soda and vinegar. OMG. This stuff was amazing! We spent Saturday night scrubbing our bathroom tiles and in the moments of scrubbing, washing and cleaning I knew that anything is possible. Joy is everywhere.

Today we even bought a new toilet seat. To be honest I stood on the old one...and broke it. I had to dust the bathroom light fixture and the only way to reach it was to stand on the toilet seat....anyway, I can't tell you how amazing it feels to really have a clean house (as well as a new toilet seat). To know that you scrubbed the grout in the shower, organized the silverware drawer and dusted the tops of the door frames...well, it just doesn't get any better!

To me it feels like freedom.

I don't know what is next for me. I DO know that for the first time ever, I have TIME. Time to just be. And to accomplish everything I ever wanted.

No pressure though, right?

4 comments:

paige said...

my favorite line was 'joy is everywhere'. you are doing something right!

Marissa said...

I know this feeling well. It's amazing and liberating, and also terrifying! but you do have time to be, and joy is everywhere, and there is NO pressure! this is your life, and you get to do exactly as you please! :)

amanda jane said...

wow. :0

Meg D. said...

Anne, you are so soothing to read. I love your thoughts and I'm jealous of your confidence in the future. You're fantastic and you are right, "Joy is everywhere!"

We're so lucky just "being."