Thursday, January 24, 2008

growling

My stomach is growling and it is only 11 o'clock. I ate a Clementine this morning and gaged down some yogurt. Did you know that yogurt makes me gag but I know that it is good for me so I keep on eating it. Most of the time I just want an old fashioned glazed cake donut. Judy growls when we try to pull her by the collar into the kitchen because she won't come when we call. She thinks she is the pack leader the alpha dog. Little does she know how good she has got it - Jake home all day, agility classes every week, new toys to chew and play with, and us - who give her ATTENTION and throw the damn football every 5 seconds so she can catch it in her mouth and have us throw it again and again. I am hungry. Going to Punch for lunch meeting a photographer. Am anxious to see her photographs and see how much she charges because holy shit weddings are expensive.

Just had a conversation with a friend...we cannot figure out how these women (that surround us everyday) do it all. They might not actually do it all but it sure the hell seems like they do. They read books and think critically about them and then have real conversations about them. They cook meals using real food and have a clean house. They raise children and keep in touch with friends. They volunteer they come to events they go to the theater they exercise. I come home and get excited to watch Project Runway. I don't say yes to things because I have built a brick wall of perfectionism and self doubt. I know that life is one day at a time one step at a time one decision at a time but how do I move forward if I can't get past the wall? I hate the wall and I hate that I am selfish.

I have slowly started to crawl over it...even if it doesn't sound like it.

3 comments:

Meg D. said...

You are most definitely not selfish, Random Anne.

anne said...

I found your blog recently and it's on my short list of favorites. Also, I'm an anne too.

I feel that way daily - and I feel guilty about it as well. But I also find that the less time I have, the more I seem to get done. It's so backwards. Maybe one day when I have a family I'll be uber-productive with my 20 minutes of 'free time' each day. As it is, I can let an entire evening pass by without even thinking.

Teresa said...

Hey! Yogurt also makes me gag, and I also keep eating it. I actually like it, but I have to take small bites. Hope all is well with you!